E.F.U.O.T.Y.(TM)

Last night was not a good night. For reasons which I probably shouldn't go into, but need to go into, I ended up as a bit of an emotional wreck. It would seem this week is not a good week for me and my emotions.

Alison and I had a bit of a tense discussion last night. I periodically get annoyed/put out/stroppy/saddened by the amount of time she spends out playing in bands and orchestras and things. I don't begrudge her any of this time, but it does occasionally seem like we don't get as much time together as we should. Wednesday is normally one of the nights that stays free and where we do get time together, but she was off out last night. Hence me getting wound up about it. When she went out I felt kinda abandoned, which wasn't the least bit true, but all the same - I'm perfectly capable of rational thought, just not so capable of applying it to my own situations.

I spent the evening continuing to rebuild the computer system after the joys of Broadband Day. Not the most enjoyable way to spend an evening but even if it didn't help the emotional space I was in, it didn't make it worse either. And at least it felt like the time was being spent productively.

I texted Anne later, to see how she was feeling following Sham's departure. She seemed OK but not 100% sure about things, and in those sorts of situations my instinct is to want to help, whereas hers is to do her best to work things out for herself first. I'm used to this, and I understand the reasons for it, and I always do my best to leave her to it when these situations occur. It became apparent that last night my emotional state wasn't up to handling it when she said she didn't want to talk about it, regardless of the fact that my rational side knew full well that she was going to say something like that sooner or later and the reasons why and that it was all fair enough.

I suddenly felt very lonely. Very unfair and selfish of me, but it was the way I felt. I went to bed feeling the worst I've felt in a while. It didn't help that I knew full well that it was my own fault rather than anyone else's. I felt pathetic, and pissed off with myself for feeling pathetic, and got worried that I was far too demanding of other people.

As if things weren't bad enough already, there was one more thing to come to turn me into Emotional Fuck Up Of The Year(TM). To be fair, Alison hadn't actually said how long she was going to be out for, although I had an inkling that a few days before she'd said it would be for a couple of hours. She was more than a couple of hours. The fact that I had no idea how long she'd expected to be really didn't help, because I had no idea if I should be worried or not. By around 11.30pm I was so frantic that despite not wanting to bother Anne, I did. Naturally, after her concerned reply to my initial text, when I went to the lengths of explaining the whole situation in a lengthy text, just as I was about to send it Alison arrived back. Hence I was left looking (and feeling) like I was a total drama queen and attention seeker. Rationally thinking told me that I wasn't, but I'm not altogether convinced and I think my conscious needs to get my subconscious to step outside so it can give it a good kicking.

Now I'm just scared. I'm scared that I am a total emotional fuck up, and a drama queen, and an attention seeker. I'm scared that this could have a devastating effect on my friendship with Anne. An additional fear that is always there whenever I experience such violently negative emotion is that it'll be the start of a backslide towards the depression that I'm doing my best to get away from.

Argh.